In our very busy lives, we often feel that there are few opportunities to slow down, that there is not enough time to give undivided attention, and numerous demands that pull in different directions making it difficult to capture moments to be in. To simply be. Time and being are complex topics to unpack, and Magda Gerber, founder of RIE® (Resources for Infant Educarers), wrote about various components of both throughout her teachings and wonderings: time together, time apart; wants nothing time, wants something time; 100% attention 50% of the time, 50% attention 100% of the time. She was keen about getting us to think about using time to our advantage. To give others what they need. To set our own boundaries. To care for one another. How might we change the way we see time, being with ourselves, and being together with others through a new lens?
Time Together
Magda reminded us that “quality time is what everybody really wants: a gift of time and attention.” It is a human need to be together with others. From birth, we need to be close to those we depend on for our basic needs, our care, our survival. The ways in which we are together can vary based on the needs of everyone involved.
“Wants Something” Time
This is a time with each other; a time to accomplish a task with one another. Caregiving needs like diapering, bathing, feeding, dressing—these are times when there is a goal to achieve for the child with the adult’s assistance. Children are included in the process in whatever ways their development, temperament, and resources at the time allows. The task is done together. When these times are slowed down and connected, they can be enjoyable. At other times, the objective might need to be quicker, and acknowledgement of that by the adult helps to remind both that they are getting through it together in a shared effort. In her book Dear Parent, Magda reminds us that when children are young, “you depend emotionally on each other—and from this attachment, both eventually have to separate from each other.” When “wants something” time is mutually enjoyable and well-spent, agreeable time apart becomes more achievable.
“Wants Nothing” Time
This is also a time to be together; however, now there are no expectations and no undertakings to accomplish. Instead, we can just be, simply be. In Western culture, it is hard to slow down enough to be present and connect to another human being. Adults often seem to be in continual motion, always doing something, and there is so much to do! When we give ourselves permission to put our “to do” lists by the wayside while we are fully present with a child, we learn and gain so much. We can observe all the infant is doing and capable of. We can pay attention to their likes and dislikes, what skills they are working on, their personalities, and so much more.
Time Apart
This is often a misunderstood part of caring for and being with children. Adults can feel like they have to be constantly “on,” doing and engaging with young children. Can you imagine?! People have diverse engagement levels, or life in their social batteries, and those who care for children are no different. Caregiving is an emotional role. Filling our own cups before being able to fill others is really important. Being able to disengage, step away, go internal, nourish in whatever way one needs and care for oneself is essential for re-engaging in healthy ways. Magda reminded us that 100% attention 50% of the time during caregiving routines is better than 50% attention 100% of the time, and no one is able to give 100% attention 100% of the time! When we give undivided attention during diapering, feeding, dressing, and bathing, the infant is refueled and can usually spend some time on their own, which gives adults the much-needed opportunity to be on their own. Time apart is essential to time together.
It helps to be strongly attuned to your own inner rhythm—to know what your needs are, and to convey this to your family so they learn to respect your needs too. Ongoingly sacrificing your own needs for the child’s can create inward anger within both of you. —Magda Gerber
RIE® Mentor Elizabeth Memel said that she is going to refrain from asking people, “How are you doing?" and start asking, “How are you being?” instead. When we take time to reframe our standard ways of engaging with each other and ourselves, we can discover the importance of time, being, and being together. When we learn to breathe, recharge, and reclaim our time and energy, we can realize what a gift we can give to others and ourselves with our attuned, renewed presence.
How are you being?
Melissa Coyné offers RIE® certified courses. For more information, please visit www.upbringingconsulting.com.
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